Birds Hate Me

Not all birds, I'm sure, but many. Since I'm probably the only person who reads this nonsense anyway, I will now start mixing in some things that I would like to remember, kind of a journal of events and thoughts. Yesterday I was attacked by a bird yet again. I've had several "avian events" over the years. Once while driving a bird, obviously trying to kill me by forcing me to drive off the road into a tree, smashed into the drivers' side window which was open 1" and exploded spreading bird entrails into my hair. Obviously the rare Japanese kamikaze bird. Another persistent bird succeeded in knocking me to the ground by dive bombing me. I attempted to bash his bird brains in with a briefcase, was able to make contact, but was unable to maintain my balance doing a complete mid-air somersault with the contents of the briefcase being scattered all of which caused my wife to laugh so hard she wet herself. There have been other less harrowing events, like birds flying into me, which is so unnerving since you see them coming and assume that they will avoid you. I feel that in those instances they're just sending me a message "we can hurt you anytime we want, watch your step". Last year in the park there were two hawks, one eating a squirrel, one acting as lookout. He looked me in the eye. I got the message, "keep moving, nothing to see here. If I wasn't involved with this squirrel I'd come over and peck your eyes out." Last week biking to work through the park one of them dropped a load on me, forcing me to go home and change. I bet they had a good laugh over that. This most recent attack occurred where I get the bus home at night. I always stand under the same tree, which now apparently has become this particular birds' turf. I was checking an oozing wound on my shin (sustained when a very heavy folding camping table I was carrying through Wal-mart came unhinged and whacked my shin with great force) when the bird flew down and hit me in the back. I thought, okay- here we go again, bring it on, let's settle this once and for all. Maybe if I can manage to kill one of them they'll think twice in the future. I think they sensed I was wounded, oozing pus from my leg and this is their best chance to take me down. I readied myself with my lunch bag. I found that if I kept my eye on him he wouldn't attack, but if I looked away for a moment, down he came. He hit me four times. Thankfully the bus came. I enjoy birds, I really do. Why do they hate me? Then I remembered. I was 10 years old and had made a slingshot out of a coat hanger and a rubber band. I never thought it would work, the BB sailed through the air and hit it's mark, the little sparrow. I picked it up, it's heart was pounding. I made a little bed near the railroad tracks. When I came back the next day it was dead. I think maybe I need to put up a bird feeder.